radioactive woman

i'm radioactive.

and before you start imagining me firing beams of nuclear heat from my eyes, nothing cool has happened from it. no green glow, no improved vision, no superhuman strength. just fatigue like you wouldn't believe.

on wednesday i went in for a radioactive iodine treatment to kill any remaining cancerous thyroid tissue that might still exist in my body. though the surgery i had a little over a month ago removed my thyroid completely, cancer was found in a tissue outside of my thyroid and this treatment is standard protocol to reduce the risk of metastasis and recurrence.

for the most part, since my surgeries that took place over a month and a half ago, my life has been able to move forward. i returned to work after only a week or two of recovery and my chicago support system was incredibly accommodating, and, well, genuinely supportive.

it was truly humbling to know that the people that were only just beginning to get to know me when all of this happened could then step up and do everything in their power to make me feel more comfortable and more at home in this time when so much was unknown. i was able to truly and genuinely feel optimistic about my health and recovery because i felt so stable and supported in my chicago surroundings.

and i was beyond validated for how well i was coping with everything -- for my seemingly effortless optimism about what i had gone through, and what was still to come. everyone seemed to say,

"oh alli, you're doing so well with everything"

"you seem so strong"

"you're the picture of health"

"your attitude about everything is just inspiring"

and i was feeling good about everything -- my optimism was no act. but i would shrug my shoulders, look down with an air of humility, and respond with my standard - but no less true - answer, "thank you, but i'm just blessed", "i'm really just lucky".

and with each validating statement, i felt more and more like i needed to keep it up, like my strength could never falter. i had been so positive with everyone for so long, to be vulnerable would come as a shock. and i realized, the way i had been coping was 50% that i really was doing okay with all of it, 25% fear of being vulnerable to the people with whom i was still building relationships, and 25% thinking i needed to keep up this front of strength and "no-biggie" attitude.

so when i was finally around the people that know me -- and i mean know me, like in the way they've seen me at my absolute worst, best friends who've been with me since the beginning, call my bluffs and tell me to cut the bullshit, kind of know me -- i finally let my walls down and lost it. i didn't have to be so strong. i cried like a baby, admitted to them all my fears.

and much of my fears were in anticipation of my treatment on wednesday. not really knowing what to expect from scary words like "radiation". but now that i'm on the other side of all of it, it really wasn't so bad. it just wiped me out and left me so fatigued that i slept for hours and hours.

so here i sit, in isolation, so that the government can have sound public policy about using nuclear medicine. i signed papers that i wouldn't go into crowds and spray my radioactive saliva on potentially pregnant women, that i would sit here. alone. with my own thoughts.

and with all this alone time (what i've been awake for anyway), i've been given time to process all that i've learned lately. because the past month and a half has been the most trying time of my life thus far, i've learned a lot. here are 5 things.

1. i have self control -- in preparation for and to increase the effectiveness of the radioactive iodine treatment, i had to go on a very restrictive diet to rid my body entirely of iodine. the list of things i couldn't eat was very long, mainly because iodine and iodized salt are in EVERYTHING. i couldn't have seafood, dairy products of any kind, baked goods, chocolate, or soy products. i couldn't have anything processed or pre-made. i couldn't eat at restaurants. i had to make literally everything from scratch. but what i learned the most from being on this diet was that i really could do it. how many times in my adolescent/young adult life did i try to diet and cheated after only a few days? but this time, my life and generally well-being depended on my self-control to not dip into the "not allowed" foods category. and i did it. i resisted the temptation of kit kats, chobani, and hot sauce. i shooed away my day dreams of dairy. i have self control!

2. i am a mastermind in the kitchen -- this diet had me demonstrate some serious creativity in the creation of my meals. despite such limited scope of ingredients available to me, i came up with some baller shit to sustain myself. the first week or so of my diet i was entirely sustained by produce. needless to say, i was always hungry. i then quickly realized i wasn't eating carbs. this was all together a foreign problem to me. but in order to eat bread, i had to make it myself. also foreign to me. so i embarked on a journey to make my own bread, and. it. was. awesome.

do you know how easy it is to make bread? real easy. it's like, 4 ingredients. and yeah, it takes like 4 hours, but it's so worth it! i unveiled a whole lotta kitchen skills i didn't know i had before this diet. my future as the next food network star doesn't seem like such a pipe dream anymore. i can actually make a lot out of nothing.

3. reading the ingredients label will disgust you -- did you know soy is in everything? i do now. "ignorance is bliss" wasn't an option for me for the last 4 weeks. this diet has forced me to read the ingredient label of literally everything i considered eating. i suggest you do it too. you'll learn a lot about what you put in your body.

4. never ever ever go without health insurance -- the bills are slowly coming in from my time in the hospital. i'd share with you the cost of one night in the hospital if i had the strength to type that many numbers. you could buy a very very nice car with that figure. it's horrifying. a year ago i never imagined i would have health problems like i do now. it could happen to anyone, anytime. i am so grateful to be insured.

5. i am loved -- as much as i've learned lately, about myself and about life, what has been most humbling has been the realization of how pure and genuine that is the love and support i have received from my friends and family. i have not experienced any hollow sympathy. i have never felt alone. and though my stock answer was "i'm just lucky", nothing could be more true.

i am lucky. i am loved. and i am thankful.