it is said that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. and though (for the most part) i do believe this to be true, i was recently dished out my share of hard times. i'll admit that in my life, i've been very lucky. i've lived a fulfilling, (and until now) healthy life. i've seen the world. i've wanted for nothing. so if you'll allow my determined optimism to slip ever so slightly, perhaps what i have been experiencing lately - maybe, just maybe - i had it coming.
8 months ago, in my senior year at JMU and during my social work field practicum, i worked a late night in assisting my field supervisor conduct a workshop on addiction for the JMU Grad Psych program. my part of the presentation was over, so i sat in the back of the classroom, trying to keep a look of interest plastered on my face. i remember leaning my elbow on the table and scratching the front of my neck, only to realize i felt a hard lump right above my collar bone as i swallowed. not wanting to alarm anyone, i sat in silence, ignoring the faint feeling of panic in the back of my mind. i told no one. not my mother. not my roommates. instead, i made the mistake of finding my way to WebMD, typing in my symptoms, to see the scariest of words grace my screen: lymphoma.
denial took over. i convinced myself it was nothing and said nothing. but it continued to fester in the back of my mind. a week later, a blizzard hit and my roommates and i were delightedly trapped inside our big, old house. we entertained ourselves with gin and snow tonics, cheap beers kept cold in 8 inches of porch snow, and spandex dance parties. in my slightly inebriated state, i was overcome with a headache and had a a slight bout of hypochondria, and i revealed to them my worst fear. they calmed me down and broke out their laptops for some good ol' googling, hoping to discount any possibility that what i found was cancer.
then, a ray of hope: the chance that it was a thyroid nodule, perfectly common, and less than a 10% chance of being malignant. i clung on to this possibility with all i had.
and so not to freak out my mother, i waited til i saw her in person to share with her what i found. we made an appointment with an endocrinologist and it was determined that the mass was indeed on my thyroid. my family and i breathed a collective half-sigh of relief as all chances of lymphoma were discounted.
i was scheduled for an ultrasound and biopsy to then determine if the mass had cancerous cells, and after a week of waiting for the results, the last half-sigh was exhaled when the results came back negative. the only concern was that it. was. huge. bigger than a golf ball - and sitting right on the left side of my thyroid.
but it was benign. and thinking the worst was behind me, i moved on with my life and rarely let it cross my mind. i celebrated my graduation and made plans for my future. but days before moving to chicago, i met with my endocrinologist for a follow-up ultrasound to determine if the mass had grown. and it had. so the recommendation was made that i find a doctor soon after moving to keep monitoring its progression.
i scheduled an appointment at rush medical center with the best, most experienced endocrinologist they had - a woman who just happened to also be a thyroid surgeon. after another ultrasound, it was determined that the mass was growing rapidly - an entire centimeter in a month. because of its quick growth, the risk of cancer was determined to be higher , though still less than 20%, and she recommended surgery. "you have insurance" she said, "might as well take it out".
and by some fortuitous coincidence, my parents were at that very instant in route for the 900 mile trip to chicago to help move me into my new apartment. they would be here anyway, it made sense. i would have the ring leaders of my support system by my side. so preparations were made for surgery.
was i scared? you bet. but i was so assured that the likelihood of it being cancer was so slim that they would only take out the left side of my thyroid. i would keep the right side to avoid taking medicine each day. no big deal. a little general anesthesia, a night in the hospital - i would be good as new in no time. so i fought off my fears and forged forth. let's get it over with.
i had a terrible reaction to the anesthesia. i was nauseous and achy. i couldn't use my right hand because of the iv. i was cranky, pissed off, emotional, uncomfortable in my surroundings, anxious to get out of there. but it was over. i was released from the hospital the next day with all hopes of never having to go back. they said they would call the following day with the pathology reports, but not to worry - i had no family history of thyroid cancer, the last biopsy was negative. i would be fine.
and though i could hardly move my head and my shoulders hurt from the strain, i felt fine. but i knew one thing for sure: i never wanted to have surgery ever again.
the next morning, at 9:00am, my mom got a call from the hospital. my doctor had received the pathology from the nodule and she was calling with the results. i heard her voice from the next room, heard her say "oh my God". her voice seemed to catch with shock. i knew then that it was not over as the words "papillary cancer" were in the air. i was overcome with anger and denial and fear. all i could say was "i can't do it again. i can't do it again". but of course, i had to. everything that happened next was a blur of emotion and tears. and i was rushed into surgery for the right side of my thyroid to be removed the next day.
so though in all likelihood, i had "cancer" for 8 months, i only knew that i had cancer for 24 hours.
and i surprised myself with how naturally, effortlessly positive i was, and am, about the whole situation. i can see so easily the blessings in this experience. though of course i was angry that i of all people would fall into the 10%-20% (i mean, seriously?!) i know how lucky i am that it was found at all. i am lucky that it was so easily treatable. i am lucky that i had the support and love of my parents and friends through it all.
and though i hardly had time to process it - and i'm only just processing it now, it occurred to me that maybe there's a lesson in all of this. maybe i didn't have it coming - that's a little too cynical for my determined optimist ways - but maybe things were going so well for me that i was starting to take my life for granted. i needed to be knocked down a few pegs to recognize what i have. the blessings in my life that deserve gratitude.
i am infinitely grateful for my life, for my family, for my strength. i now know with such prevailing certainty that i can handle anything this life will throw at me. i understand that the worst may not be over, but it is my sincerest hope that as my scar heals and my health improves, i will not let my gratitude for these blessings fade with it.
and if anything, having cancer for a day may have taught me the greatest lesson of my life.
8 months ago, in my senior year at JMU and during my social work field practicum, i worked a late night in assisting my field supervisor conduct a workshop on addiction for the JMU Grad Psych program. my part of the presentation was over, so i sat in the back of the classroom, trying to keep a look of interest plastered on my face. i remember leaning my elbow on the table and scratching the front of my neck, only to realize i felt a hard lump right above my collar bone as i swallowed. not wanting to alarm anyone, i sat in silence, ignoring the faint feeling of panic in the back of my mind. i told no one. not my mother. not my roommates. instead, i made the mistake of finding my way to WebMD, typing in my symptoms, to see the scariest of words grace my screen: lymphoma.
denial took over. i convinced myself it was nothing and said nothing. but it continued to fester in the back of my mind. a week later, a blizzard hit and my roommates and i were delightedly trapped inside our big, old house. we entertained ourselves with gin and snow tonics, cheap beers kept cold in 8 inches of porch snow, and spandex dance parties. in my slightly inebriated state, i was overcome with a headache and had a a slight bout of hypochondria, and i revealed to them my worst fear. they calmed me down and broke out their laptops for some good ol' googling, hoping to discount any possibility that what i found was cancer.
then, a ray of hope: the chance that it was a thyroid nodule, perfectly common, and less than a 10% chance of being malignant. i clung on to this possibility with all i had.
and so not to freak out my mother, i waited til i saw her in person to share with her what i found. we made an appointment with an endocrinologist and it was determined that the mass was indeed on my thyroid. my family and i breathed a collective half-sigh of relief as all chances of lymphoma were discounted.
i was scheduled for an ultrasound and biopsy to then determine if the mass had cancerous cells, and after a week of waiting for the results, the last half-sigh was exhaled when the results came back negative. the only concern was that it. was. huge. bigger than a golf ball - and sitting right on the left side of my thyroid.
but it was benign. and thinking the worst was behind me, i moved on with my life and rarely let it cross my mind. i celebrated my graduation and made plans for my future. but days before moving to chicago, i met with my endocrinologist for a follow-up ultrasound to determine if the mass had grown. and it had. so the recommendation was made that i find a doctor soon after moving to keep monitoring its progression.
i scheduled an appointment at rush medical center with the best, most experienced endocrinologist they had - a woman who just happened to also be a thyroid surgeon. after another ultrasound, it was determined that the mass was growing rapidly - an entire centimeter in a month. because of its quick growth, the risk of cancer was determined to be higher , though still less than 20%, and she recommended surgery. "you have insurance" she said, "might as well take it out".
and by some fortuitous coincidence, my parents were at that very instant in route for the 900 mile trip to chicago to help move me into my new apartment. they would be here anyway, it made sense. i would have the ring leaders of my support system by my side. so preparations were made for surgery.
was i scared? you bet. but i was so assured that the likelihood of it being cancer was so slim that they would only take out the left side of my thyroid. i would keep the right side to avoid taking medicine each day. no big deal. a little general anesthesia, a night in the hospital - i would be good as new in no time. so i fought off my fears and forged forth. let's get it over with.
i had a terrible reaction to the anesthesia. i was nauseous and achy. i couldn't use my right hand because of the iv. i was cranky, pissed off, emotional, uncomfortable in my surroundings, anxious to get out of there. but it was over. i was released from the hospital the next day with all hopes of never having to go back. they said they would call the following day with the pathology reports, but not to worry - i had no family history of thyroid cancer, the last biopsy was negative. i would be fine.
and though i could hardly move my head and my shoulders hurt from the strain, i felt fine. but i knew one thing for sure: i never wanted to have surgery ever again.
the next morning, at 9:00am, my mom got a call from the hospital. my doctor had received the pathology from the nodule and she was calling with the results. i heard her voice from the next room, heard her say "oh my God". her voice seemed to catch with shock. i knew then that it was not over as the words "papillary cancer" were in the air. i was overcome with anger and denial and fear. all i could say was "i can't do it again. i can't do it again". but of course, i had to. everything that happened next was a blur of emotion and tears. and i was rushed into surgery for the right side of my thyroid to be removed the next day.
so though in all likelihood, i had "cancer" for 8 months, i only knew that i had cancer for 24 hours.
and i surprised myself with how naturally, effortlessly positive i was, and am, about the whole situation. i can see so easily the blessings in this experience. though of course i was angry that i of all people would fall into the 10%-20% (i mean, seriously?!) i know how lucky i am that it was found at all. i am lucky that it was so easily treatable. i am lucky that i had the support and love of my parents and friends through it all.
and though i hardly had time to process it - and i'm only just processing it now, it occurred to me that maybe there's a lesson in all of this. maybe i didn't have it coming - that's a little too cynical for my determined optimist ways - but maybe things were going so well for me that i was starting to take my life for granted. i needed to be knocked down a few pegs to recognize what i have. the blessings in my life that deserve gratitude.
i am infinitely grateful for my life, for my family, for my strength. i now know with such prevailing certainty that i can handle anything this life will throw at me. i understand that the worst may not be over, but it is my sincerest hope that as my scar heals and my health improves, i will not let my gratitude for these blessings fade with it.
and if anything, having cancer for a day may have taught me the greatest lesson of my life.
